I am not a person who avoids change, but I’m not necessarily someone who completely embraces it either.
We’ve had a lot of change going on in the past 3-6 months, and I think I’m on overload, because all I want right now is to have a completely finished, unpacked, totally organized home and for things to go back to normal. Unfortunately the normal I’m referring to will never happen again.
I’d like to get back the normal from 6 years ago when my dad was healthy and we didn’t even know the words “Multiple Myeloma”. I’d also like to go back to the normal from last year, before his most recent treatment stopped working. Before they put him on this new clinical trial with its side effects that leave him exhausted, spiking 102 degree fevers, and just overall not the same father/grandfather we remember.
Neither of those scenarios will ever happen though. And no matter how used to getting what I want I am, I will never get that either of those normals back.
I know in the grand scheme of things I’m lucky. I have both my parents here with me, I have a wonderful husband, 2 amazing kids, my health, a roof over my head, jobs, etc. I know that I shouldn’t waste time wishing for what will never happen, and most days the logic wins out and I just accept it. Then there are days like today, when I wake up and he is the first thing I think about. When I know that I will have to honor the promise I made my son yesterday, to look through old pictures that we found while packing. When I know that how many smiles and how much laughter there is from remembering and telling old stories, I will also have to fight back tears after seeing pictures of my dad when he was healthy. When he could play with me, stay up late with his friends, run around the backyard with his grandson. Long before those 2 words were introduced into our vocabulary. I would give up everything to go back to that day and change the test results.
But I can’t.